The hardest part is finding forgiveness.
All throughout your human journey, you will come across experiences that change you, both in positive and negative ways. Particularly, it is often the negative experiences that are extremely difficult to overcome or find peace with. It is important to understand that almost all lessons that have been placed upon your path were intricately designed prior to you being birthed into this world. These lessons are designed to assist you in shaping your character, heal your weaknesses, empower your soul and most importantly enlighten you to higher levels of love. Yes, not all experiences were your fault, and sometimes these lessons are actually not yours to be learned. As human beings, we all have free will, and this exception to fate and destiny can cause many disruptions, if not used in alignment with love. If you did unfortunately fall victim to such a scenario, a lesson that is not actually yours to be learned, it does none the less become your responsibility to heal .
"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." - Buddha
Forgiveness is important in resolving unresolved resentment that may be hindering your spiritual growth, development and evolution. Forgiveness is one of many ways you can find space to allow more positive emotions and thought patterns to enter your conscious and unconscious mind. That being said, forgiveness is almost always a lesson learned after most of your healing has been accomplished. Inherently, fresh wounds come with fresh emotions, like anger, grief, anxiety and depression. First, it is important to allow the time and space to navigate these dynamic and overlapping emotions to be processed in a healthy manner, that does not cause any sort of distortion to realty or truth, moving forward in your life.
Anger needs to be expressed, either directly to the other individual(s) involved in a healthy manner or through positive channels like exercise, journalling, writing a letter, therapy, some other creative form of expression or perhaps legally, depending on the situation. Grief needs to be felt fully, meaning cry, cry, cry, as much as you need to, when you need too. Do not hold it in. Humans have tear ducts for a reason, and it is not to collect dust. It allows you the opportunity to release the emotional pain that may also be felt physically in various ways. It is with time, that grief generally becomes more bearable and less impactful in your life, when actively acknowledged and worked on. This is all part of healing early childhood wounds, trauma, or some other negative life experience that has actively shaped your reality in certain ways. Ways that may not be most optimal to your health.
When enough time has passed, this generally allows you the ability to see the situation(s) with greater awareness and perspective. Once this level of awareness is achieved, you may begin to explore forgiveness. Forgiveness also includes establishing healthy boundaries and not simply forgetting about those negative experiences. Instead, you integrate the lesson and let go of the lower thought forms that are preventing you from living more free, happier and with less emotional heaviness. You live with more love instead.
Hoʻoponopono as a healing tool
Hoʻoponopono is a traditional Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. Hoʻoponopono can be translated literally as "to make right" or "to make good." The process begins with prayer. A statement of the problem is made, and the transgression discussed. Family members or friends are expected to work problems through and cooperate, not "hold fast to the fault". One or more periods of silence may be taken for reflection on the entanglement of emotions and injuries. Everyone's feelings are acknowledged. Then confession, repentance and forgiveness take place. Everyone releases (kala) each other, letting go. They cut off the past (ʻoki), and together they close the event with a ceremonial feast, called pani, which often includes eating limu kala or kala seaweed, symbolic of the release.
Hoʻoponopono may also be performed via self affirmation or mantra towards the negative experience or individual(s) involved. Generally, "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you," is spoken or thought in repetition until the heavy emotions, lower thought patterns or karmic ties to the experience or individual(s) involved is fully released and let go of. It is important to truly feel every statement in the mantra, accessing the wounds and speaking to them directly. With any form of therapy, it may require time and work. Be patient with yourself. It is a process. Much like everything in our lives.
What does the research have to say?
There have been hundreds of studies examining various physical diseases, mental health conditions, social environments, and specific life incidences when it comes to the concept of emotional forgiveness and how it may improve these areas. Here are just a few examples:
Higher levels of forgiveness have been correlated with less lower back or chronic pain.
Forgiveness intervention may be an effective means of reducing anger-induced myocardial ischemia in patients with coronary artery disease.
Self-forgiveness is associated with reduced psychological distress in cancer patients and unmatched caregivers.
Forgiveness therapy has been shown to be effective in improving resilience, self-esteem, and spirituality in wives of men suffering from alcohol abuse.
Self-forgiveness intervention protocols have been shown to help promote and maintain decreased substance misuse and abstinence.
Bereaving individuals have demonstrated improvement in forgiveness towards others, self-forgiveness, and a greater decrease in depression, anxiety and anger as well as higher improvement in the post-traumatic growth with forgiveness therapy.
Forgiveness therapy among women affected by infidelity reduce mental sufferings and communication problems.
Forgiveness therapy has implications for the long-term recovery of post-relationship emotionally abused women as depression, trait anxiety, post-traumatic stress symptoms, self-esteem, forgiveness, environmental mastery, and finding meaning in suffering were all improved.
Effectiveness of forgiveness skill in reducing anxiety and depression among women victims of sexual abuse in childhood has been explored and forgiveness has shown to increase hope, self esteem and decrease anxiety and depression in incest survivors.
Forgiveness has been shown to be effective for correctional rehabilitation in healing clinical psychological compromise and in promoting positive psychological well-being in men within a maximum-security facility.
Female acid attack survivors in Pakistan showed greater improvement in forgiveness, anger, anxiety, and hope, with forgiveness intervention. This correlation can extend into interpersonal violence.
And lastly,
Hoʻoponopono has been shown to decrease blood pressure in both women and men and should be considered as an adjunct to treating hypertension.
Essentially, research has demonstrated that forgiveness can assist in healing many various negative life experiences or physical health conditions.
Where in your life can you find more forgiveness and ultimately allow more love, peace, happiness and better health?
References:
Carson JW, Keefe FJ, Goli V, Fras AM, Lynch TR, Thorp SR, Buechler JL. Forgiveness and chronic low back pain: a preliminary study examining the relationship of forgiveness to pain, anger, and psychological distress. J Pain. 2005 Feb;6(2):84-91. doi: 10.1016/j.jpain.2004.10.012. PMID: 15694874.
E-Poster Walk. (2018). European Psychiatry,48(S1), S141-S358. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2017.12.016
Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983–992. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.64.5.983
Kim HK, Lee M. [Effectiveness of forgiveness therapy on resilience, self-esteem, and spirituality of wives of alcoholics]. J Korean Acad Nurs. 2014 Jun;44(3):237-47. Korean. doi: 10.4040/jkan.2014.44.3.237. PMID: 25060103.
Kretzer K, Davis J, Easa D, Johnson J, Harrigan R. Self identity through Ho'oponopono as adjunctive therapy for hypertension management. Ethn Dis. 2007 Autumn;17(4):624-8. PMID: 18072370.
Kretzer K, Evelo AJ, Durham RL. Lessons learned from a study of a complementary therapy for self-managing hypertension and stress in women. Holist Nurs Pract. 2013 Nov-Dec;27(6):336-43. doi: 10.1097/HNP.0b013e3182a72ca4. PMID: 24121698; PMCID: PMC4149912.
Lawler KA, Younger JW, Piferi RL, Jobe RL, Edmondson KA, Jones WH. The unique effects of forgiveness on health: an exploration of pathways. J Behav Med. 2005 Apr;28(2):157-67. doi: 10.1007/s10865-005-3665-2. PMID: 15957571.
Mary Kawena Pukui, Samuel H. Elbert - 1986: Hawaiian Dictionary: Hawaiian-English, English-Hawaiianbooks.google.com, accessed 19 August 2018
Raftar Aliabadi MR, Shareh H. Mindfulness-based schema therapy and forgiveness therapy among women affected by infidelity: A randomized clinical trial. Psychother Res. 2022 Jan;32(1):104-116. doi: 10.1080/10503307.2021.1913294. Epub 2021 Apr 15. PMID: 33856973.
Scherer M, Worthington EL, Hook JN, Campana KL. Forgiveness and the bottle: promoting self-forgiveness in individuals who abuse alcohol. J Addict Dis. 2011 Oct;30(4):382-95. doi: 10.1080/10550887.2011.609804. PMID: 22026530; PMCID: PMC3292781.
Toussaint L, Barry M, Angus D, Bornfriend L, Markman M. Self-forgiveness is associated with reduced psychological distress in cancer patients and unmatched caregivers: Hope and self-blame as mediating mechanisms. J Psychosoc Oncol. 2017 Sep-Oct;35(5):544-560. doi: 10.1080/07347332.2017.1309615. Epub 2017 Jun 14. PMID: 28614001.
Waltman MA, Russell DC, Coyle CT, Enright RD, Holter AC, M Swoboda C. The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease. Psychol Health. 2009 Jan;24(1):11-27. doi: 10.1080/08870440903126371. PMID: 20186637.
Yu L, Gambaro M, Song JY, Teslik M, Song M, Komoski MC, Wollner B, Enright RD. Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clin Psychol Psychother. 2021 Nov;28(6):1457-1471. doi: 10.1002/cpp.2583. Epub 2021 Mar 25. PMID: 33709484.
Záhorcová L, Enright R, Halama P. The Effectiveness of a Forgiveness Intervention on Mental Health in Bereaved Parents-A Pilot Study. Omega (Westport). 2021 Jun 21:302228211024479. doi: 10.1177/00302228211024479. Epub ahead of print. PMID: 34152878.
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